American Hustle ★★½

AD: "Auteurs Direct, this is Ryan, how may I help you?"

DOR: "Returns, please."

AD: "Which Auteurs Direct product are you looking to return today?"

DOR: "I ordered one Scorsese '70s Starter Kit, but I was sent the Ted Demme version instead. I'm looking for the Scorsese, the vintage model."

AD: "I'm afraid your previous orders suggest the Scorsese '70s Starter Kit isn't compatible with your toolset, so that's why we sent you the Ted Demme. You've purchased the Remedial Pop-music Education download, the Swirling Camera Outboard Motor, and the Vaguely Incoherent Character Motivation Centerpiece. Those three purchases suggest your video card won't be able to handle the Scorsese Kit, which requires at least 60 gigabytes of Thematic Cohesion, a Point of View Stabilizer, and a pair of scissors to cut out all the footage that doesn't work."

DOR: "But I bought up all the Momentum Injections during the last sale, and I've got the Christian Bale Weight Gain addition to make up the difference. Isn't that enough?"

AD: "I'm afraid not, sir. What you have there will allow you to model the Rollicking Tone portion of the Scorsese formula, but your rig won't be able to handle the rest of the routine. That's why we sent you the Ted Demme."

DOR: [beat] "Ah, fuck it -- I'll just keep my order. After all, who's going to notice the difference as long as I keep the Tone cranked up past 100 the whole time?"

AD: "That's a very common solution, sir. Is there anything else we can help with today?"

DOR: "Bradley Cooper lost his Charisma Chip a while ago. Can I get a replacement for him?"

AD: "I'm afraid that Bradley Cooper doesn't come with charisma, sir. I know that doesn't make sense, because you'd think he'd have charisma. But he doesn't. Our apologies."

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