"is it better to speak or to die?"

i’ve been trying to put my feelings into words (speak) for days now and i’m at the point where i think i might explode (or die) if i don’t. 

i'm in a funny place - if you can't tell from the films i've been (re)watching... i've recently returned from a two-week trip that consisted of solo wandering around nice - a place i've fallen in love with and will definitely be using as a filming location should i ever have a budget to make films - i got to attend cannes film festival - i made some great friends and saw some brilliant films - and then i spent a week in barcelona with some friends from uni and went to primavera music festival whilst there. in short, i shouldn't be complaining and i have no reason to feel low right now.

for some reason though, i do. i can't get over the fact that i'm halfway through university and that i've gotta start making plans for my actual adult life. i'm learning a lot about the world and people in general at the moment and it's all very overwhelming. i can feel myself becoming a real person, though, similarly to frances in frances ha, i know i'm not there yet. another big weight of worry is whether i'm happy/proud of/like this person.

i'm disappointed in myself; i've spent my year longing to have more time and the freedom to work on creative projects and now that i've got it, i'm not doing anything other than moping about. i know that your early twenties are when you're supposed to focus on these things and pursue them - it's probably the most time and energy i'll have for it all. i'm using this film, and other favourites, as an attempt to inspire myself again.

i think the reality of it all is that i'm scared. i want to do well in life and i want people to like the things i make. i'm probably unhealthily dependent on validation and i've got such a need to be liked by everyone. i got my mark back for my first screenplay and it was good, but still not good enough considering the expectations i put on myself. cannes made me realise that film is my future. i've never loved or been more passionate about anything in my life, and so i can't see myself going into any other industry now. despite my vision of my future being so narrow, i still know that it's going to be really, really difficult - and that scares me too.

in terms of the relationships in my life; i've come to realise that i don't have as many good friends as i thought i did, but instead i've got lots of acquaintances; there's nothing wrong with this, but i know that i'd like to be closer with people. in terms of romance, i think i've just been played around with this year and it's a bit shitty. i know i'm always in my own head and i probably play things up — i view them as more than they are. this is something i've gotta work on as it's just been bringing disappointment, but i'd also like for people to stop leading me on haha.

i move to hong kong (from the uk) in august and, although i'm somewhere between terrified and excited, i think it's going to be really good for me. i'm aware that i'll feel loneliness to a new degree and that it'll push me out of my comfort zone more than any other experience has, but i know it's going to help me get closer to becoming this "real person".

i'm not sure whether i'll keep this up or how people will take to it, i'm also nervous as people i know irl follow this, but i just hope people are empathetic... i'd also like to note that i recently became aware of guadagnino's view on the woody allen allegations (this may extend to general sexual assault allegations too) and i'm angry at him. on the other hand, i really can't help how much this film comforts me and how dependent i am on it - i'm sorry.