Favorite films

  • Nemesis
  • Psycho
  • Irma Vep
  • GoodFellas

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  • Hansel and Gretel

    ★★★

  • Going Places

    ★★★

  • Prey

    ★★★★½

  • Living Together

    ★★★½

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  • Vampires

    Vampires

    ★★★½

    THIS MOVIE SUCKS! DEPT.

    For generations, vampires have terrified and captivated audiences all over the world with their amoral appetites and seductive malignancy. If you're looking for more of that, though, you better go watch Dracula again, because this is ...

    JOHN CRAP'N'SLUR'S SHAMPIRES

    "I'm Jack Slow, f&!@king vampire hunter! I was hired by the Catholic Church to hunt and kill vampires, so it's only fitting that I swear like a f*&!king priest! Plus, it's cheaper than hiring screenwriters!"

    "I'm…

  • She-Devils on Wheels

    She-Devils on Wheels

    ★★★

    There once was a gang called the Man-Eaters /
    They rode on one- and two-seaters /
    It's easy to tell, they liked to raise hell /
    and in cutting off heads they're the leaders

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  • Hansel and Gretel

    Hansel and Gretel

    ★★★

    A 'Cannon Movie Tale' that feels basically like a padded-out Fairy Tale Theatre episode, with a few annoying songs and an unhinged Cloris Leachman performance as witch Griselda. They should have let Tobe Hooper direct this.

  • Going Places

    Going Places

    ★★★

    Me watching this movie: this is vile, disgusting, offensive, and wrong.

    Me watching a remake of this movie starring Donald Sutherland and Elliott Gould: this is awesome.

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  • Punch-Drunk Love

    Punch-Drunk Love

    ★★★★★

    When I was 17 or 18 I was eating lunch at this place called New York Subs (now closed) and I ordered my sandwich and sat down in front of this man (who I later learned was my parents' dentist, incidentally) who was by himself waiting on his food. When the waitress came by to bring him his order, I heard her ask him about the crossword puzzle he was doing. "Yeah, I find it's a lot easier to do…

  • Friday the 13th

    Friday the 13th

    ★★★½

    "Strip Monopoly" might sound like a fun game but I can think of several problems with this mode of play. For one, this notion that players are to strip "instead of paying rent" - um, doesn't that negate Monopoly's entire in-game economy? Here's just one hypothetical scenario that shows the cracks in paying rent by stripping: Let's say I invest all of my money in building hotels on the orange properties (St. James Place, New York Avenue, and Tennessee Avenue,…